Bipartisan Agreement

Apparently, there is bipartisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the treatment of arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

What He Really Wanted

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. 
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated. The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. 
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"

Dublin City Workers

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Holy Avocado

Awful Peach Joke

A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand. The sign above read, "We have peaches that taste like anything and everything, guaranteed!" The man thought about it, and decided to stop. He thought this has to be bullshit. So he approaches the old, feeble man behind the stand and says," So, you have peaches that taste like strawberries and cream?" The old man hands him a peach and the driver takes a bite. "Mmmmmm, tastes like strawberries," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. The driver turns it around, bites into it, and the other side tastes like cream. The man thinks for a second, and says, "How 'bout steak nad baked potato?" The old man behind the stand looks for a second, and then comes up with a new peach. He hands it to the weary traveler. He bites into it. "Tastes like steak," he says. "Turn it around," the old man says. "Wow, POTATO!" The traveler thinks really hard for about 2 minutes before he finally blurts out, "O.K. old man, I bet you don't have one that tastes like pussy!" The old man produces another peach very quickly and hands it to the driver. He takes a big bite out of it, chews a couple of times, spits it out, and says, "Man, this tastes like SHIT!!" The old man just grins and says,"Turn it around!" 

Panty Survey

Atlanta Braves Jokes

Q: What do the Atlanta Braves and possums have in common?

A: They both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. What do the Atlanta Braves and lawn furniture have in common?

A. They both fold and end up in the cellar after Labor Day.

Q. Why did BP hire the Atlanta Braves to clean up the Gulf oil spill?

A. Because they will go out and toss in the towel.

Bra Jokes

What's the difference between a bra-less woman and a sewing machine? The sewing machine has only one bobbin.

How do you catch a bra? Set a booby trap.

Why do they call it a Wonder Bra? Well, you wonder where the boobs went when you take it off.

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead while I give these two a lift.

What is the job application for Hooters? They give you a D-cup and ask you to fill it out.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is panties plural and a bra singular?

Fix Flats

This Is Why You Should Look

Good-Bye!

First One

What to Say

The Spinster's Will

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never sleptwith a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." Thatevening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

Dyslexic

Three Daughters Have Honeymoons at Home

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". 

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

 So on their honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it. 

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter, "Why were you screaming?" And the daughter replied, "Well Mother, you told me to scream when something hurt." 

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled."

 Then the mother said to the last daughter, "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth full."

Wal-Mart Women

Bra Question

Fart Jokes

Q: What do you call a person that doesn't fart in public?
A: a PRIVATE TUTOR.

Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: a man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Q: What's the difference between Mozart and Mr. Methane?
A: One is music to your ear; the other is music from his rear.

Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't have assholes until they're married.

Q: What is the Definition of bravery?
A: Someone who has diarrhea and chances a fart.

Q: What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A: A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.

Q: What do you get if you eat refried beans and onions?
A: Tear Gas.

Q: What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?
A: Puss n Toots.

Q: What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q: What did the high Priest comment before he flushed the toilet?
A: Holy Crap!

Q: Why don't you fart in church?
A: Because you have to sit in your pew

Real Estate Agent Jokes

What does a real estate agent use for birth control?
His personality.

What is the study of real estate?
Homology

Why didn't the hipster real estate agent show the oceanside mansion?
It was too current.

Why don't real estate agents read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

What's the difference between a real estate agent and an accountant?
The accountant knows he is boring.

Why was the real estate agent so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 9 weeks? Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.

Do you know how to save a drowning real estate agent?
Take your foot off his head.

What's the difference between the male sperm and an real estate agent?
The sperm has a 1 in 250,000 chance of becoming human.

What's the difference between a female real estate agent and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

Why did God invent economists?
So real estate agents could have someone to laugh at.

How do you get a real estate agent out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

If a real estate agent's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

Observation About Big Jim Folsom

Governor Big Jim Folsom:  He also suffered from what one historian called "too much whiskey, too many women, too few honest friends." 

Happy New Year