Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Jokes About Cats

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning herself?
 A. She's smoking a cigarette. 

Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? 

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? 
A: A terrified postman! 

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
 A: a meowntain 

Q: When is a lion not a lion? 
A: When he turns into his cage! 

Q: Why don't cats like online shopping? 
A: They prefer a cat-alogue. 

Q: Why are cats so good at video games? 
A: Because they have nine lives! 

Q: What do you call a flying cat? 
A: I'm-paws-sible. 

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? 
A: I'm paw! 

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? 
A: She had a litter of mittens. 

Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister? 
A: An aunt-eater! 

Monday, July 31, 2017

The Ladder to Success

This one's a little coarse, so be warned:

A man is walking along when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.
He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.
“Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she says.
No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.
“Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she says.
“Well,” thinks the man, “might as well keep going.”
On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.
“Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.
As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. “Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she begs.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who the hell are you?” the man asked.
“Hey cutie,” said the ugly fat man, “my name is Cess!”

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Mistaken Identity

The Southern preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread the rumor that I belong to da Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one that a church community cannot tolerate. I am so embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want th person who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from our church family
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is not true? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel much more better. Now stand up and confess your mistake."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you was a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I jus' told a couple of ma girl friends dat you was a wizard under the sheets.
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared with laughter.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Troy State Jokes

Q: What does a girl from Troy do if she's not in bed by 10pm? 
A: Go Home. 

Q: Why do Troy State basketball players use body heat activated deodorant? 
A: Because it's the closest they will come to getting a "degree". 

Q: Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses? 
A: They're hand picked. 

Q: Why did Troy State disband its water polo team? 
A: All the horses drowned. 

Q: What's the difference between a Troy State diploma and toilet paper? 
A: About $50,000 per sheet. 

Q: What does it say on the back of every Troy State diploma? 
A: Will Work For Food. 

Q: Why did the Troy State grad cross the road? 
A: Better question why is he out of jail? 

Q: How does a dumb blonde get into college? 
A: She applies to Troy State. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

The Bikini -- Poem

The Bikini

by Vivien Wade

I've decided to get into shape,
Though knowing I'll never be skinny,
Would just like to lose a few pounds,
So I could wear a bright red bikini.

The way to lose weight, I'm told,
Is to join a class at the gym,
After a few weeks, they're sure,
I 'd be on the right track to slim.

At first I was a quite skeptical,
When told loose clothing to wear,
If ever I had any such clothing,
I wouldn't need to be there.

The first class was absolute agony,
Perspiring and jumping around,
Then onto the treadmill I went,
Hoping I'd walk off a pound.

At last that class was over,
I'd really been put through a test,
With aching limbs, I was thankful,
I could finally go home to rest.

Dreaming of that gorgeous bikini,
Encouraged me to lose weight,
But after gym, I'd be so hungry,
I piled up the food on my plate.

After six weeks of gym classes,
That bikini might be within reach.
Weighing, I stepped on the scales,
With visions of me at the beach.

The hand of the scales moved forward,
Just couldn't believe what I saw,
Expecting to have lost a few pounds,
I weighed even more than before!

Well, that put an end to my dreaming,
Of seeing a bright red bikini on me,
It's back to my dark one-piece swimsuit,
Which covers me from neck to knee.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Women, Guys Notice More Than You Think They Do

Here's an interesting article that outlines thirty things that women think guys don't notice, even though they really do:

dirty looks girls give each other
anything boob-related
when a girl subtly checks out her own ass


Monday, March 20, 2017

Lawyer Jokes

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
A: Cats keep trying to bury them.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.