Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Thoughts About Bras

1.  I  wonder if dying is like taking off your bra, but only better.

2.  Home is where the bra isn't.

3.  The problem with having lunch with your grandma is that you have to wear a bra on those occasions.

4.  Somehow, taking off your bra gives a spiritual lift even though you wonder about droopage.

5.  If your cup is only half full, then you probably need a smaller-sized bra.

6.  You love your soft, sexy red bra but realize it would show through your sweater.

7.  The nice stage of a relationship with a guy is when you don't have to wear a bra when you go out with him.

8.  Cast-off bras occasionally wind up being decorative accents when you're single.

9.  You can wear the same bra all week if you dare.

10.  Whoever thought up breast petals should be canonized  a saint. 

Sunday, January 14, 2018

You Know You're From Georgia if . . .

1.  You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Smyrna, Buena Vista, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and LaFayette.  Atlanta = ADD-LANNA, not AT-LANT-A.

 2.  You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3.  A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4.  You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5.  Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6.  You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.

 7.  You think everyone from a Yankee state has an accent.

 8.  You measure distance in minutes.

9.  You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10.  You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11.  You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12.  Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13.  You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

 14.  Almost everyone you know is either Baptist or Methodist.

15.  A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol.  A Chevy Silverado Crew Cab with extended bed is.

16.  You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

 17.  You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18.  Ironically, you only crave Chick-Fil-A and alcohol on Sundays . . when neither is sold.

 19.  On one side of the road there’s Wal-Mart and on the other is a cotton field.

 20.  The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”

21.  Fried chicken is a major part of your diet

22.  Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the only kind of doughnuts you eat.

23..  You call it a cold Christmas if you don’t break out in a sweat in your new sweater.

 24.  When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn’t stick.  The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every ten minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water, toilet paper, and adult drinks.

 25.  People actually grow, eat, and like okra!

 26.  You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.

27.  Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

 28.  Panama City Beach, Florida, is a big deal.

 29.  You understand that at least once a year your car will turn yellow with pollen.

 30.  You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo.

31.  You say “tuna fish sandwich.”

32.  You use “Sir” and “Ma’am” if there’s a remote possibility that the person you’re talking to is least 30 minutes older than you are.

 33.  Braves=good.  Yankees=bad.

 34.  You love sweet tea, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and all Southern comfort food . . . and Southern comfort.

35.  You know the whole peach state thing only applies to those below the fall line.

36.  You have a flip-flop tan year-round

37.  You use “The Big  Chicken” as a basis for all directions.

38.  You get dressed extra nice TWICE a week . . . once on Sunday morning for church, and once on Friday night for the football game.

Friday, January 12, 2018

The Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. 

The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” 

So he goes back to play. 

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” 

The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Economic Stimulus Plan

2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. 

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?" 

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95". 

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?" 

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

A Howl from the Woods

Alabama's very much in the news lately; and often not in a good way. Part of it is because of the hijinks of former Governor Bentley and because of Tuesday's Special Senate Election between Roy Moore and Doug Jones. Anyway, lots of people have these notions about Alabama, but these come from God knows where. The media, maybe, when they choose to write about Alabama. Which isn't often. And when they do, they make fun of it and us! And I'm damned sick and tired of it!

As a matter of fact, many people from the East and Far West know about as much about Alabama as they do about Siberia!

Hopefully, they can figure out that, while it snows here now and then, it's not a big thing in our lives.

And while most of us go to church, we take our preachers with a grain of salt. Sorry? Is that news to you? After church, we head to get dinner out and maybe a trip to Lowe's.

And most of us are not racists. Probably no more likely than Midwesterners or Bostonians.

And, yes, football is big. So is hanging around malls. Frankly, life in Anniston or Gadsden can be dull at times; but we make do.

For excitement, it's not a bad drive to Atlanta or Birmingham. And some like going to NASCAR races at Talledega. I don't; but I figure people are entitled to their fun.

Life is good here. Most people are nice. I'm working class. I went to community college. And may finish a 4-year program.

How am I going to vote next Tuesday? I am not sure. Roy Moore is a bit off the rails and is a sleaze. But Doug Jones is suspect too. As is the whole Democratic Party. But, you know . . . . nobody out of Alabama would be giving a damn about how we would vote except for the fact that the two political parties are so closely matched in numbers in the Senate.

So, piss off, Washington Post! You're telling me how to vote to benefit Washington! But you don't know or care jack shit about Alabama!

No, we're just little people to be played like suckers.

I'm just like the girl in the cartoon at the top of the page.  Wide-eyed, nice breasts, but not entirely clueless.  I'm not stupid. Do me the courtesy of at least pretending that I have a right to an opinion.

My guess is that I might vote for Jones; but discard him next time around as soon as possible like used snot paper.

But it's too much to hope that both candidates would quit the race; and we could get a replay.

Both parties are crass and self-serving. And, to quote a long-dead ex-governor, there's not a dime's worth of difference between the two.