The Aspiring Psychiatrists

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student.
And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

A Professor Explains Marketing Concepts

Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students


 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"


 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"


3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"


 4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations


5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! "Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition


6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"


7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"


8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"


9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

An Absent-Minded Professor

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.
 
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
 
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
 
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
 
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
 
"Sure, dad," said the boy.

Stand Aside, My Dear Friend!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
 
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
 
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
 
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."

What's a Twelve-Pack For?

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.

“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “

The Income Tax Woman

A dad walked into a market with his young son. The kid was holding a quarter.
 
Suddenly, the boy started choking and gasping for breath.
  
The dad realized the boy has swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a table in the coffee shop reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of  coffee.
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made way, unhurried, to the boy.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully took hold of the boy's balls and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"   
     
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

The Old Woman Needed Help

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”