The owner of a golf course 'bout near Fort Payne was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama at Huntsville and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
Problems With Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it is no longer available.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Thank you and have a great day.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it is no longer available.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Thank you and have a great day.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Cold Winter
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
Sunday, January 25, 2015
What Is Democracy?
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Hipster Jokes
Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.
Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.
Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.
Q: Who was the First Hipster?
A: You've probably never heard of him.
Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.
Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!
Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.
Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.
Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because it's underground.
Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.
Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool.
If a hipster does something, but doesn't instagram it, did it really happen?
Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.
I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number
Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.
Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.
Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.
Q: Who was the First Hipster?
A: You've probably never heard of him.
Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.
Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!
Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.
Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.
Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because it's underground.
Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.
Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool.
If a hipster does something, but doesn't instagram it, did it really happen?
Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.
I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.
Friday, January 9, 2015
A Tip for Making a Horse Work
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Guess Who's the Fiancee
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
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