It Was Worth It

While she was driving fast to office, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he asked.

"They give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face – Priceless!

Wear Your Rubbers!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
 
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."