Monday, September 29, 2014

An Absent-Minded Professor

An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.
 
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
 
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
 
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
 
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
 
"Sure, dad," said the boy.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Stand Aside, My Dear Friend!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
 
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
 
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
 
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

What's a Twelve-Pack For?

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.

“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

The Income Tax Woman

A dad walked into a market with his young son. The kid was holding a quarter.
 
Suddenly, the boy started choking and gasping for breath.
  
The dad realized the boy has swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a table in the coffee shop reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of  coffee.
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made way, unhurried, to the boy.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully took hold of the boy's balls and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"   
     
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

Monday, September 1, 2014

The Old Woman Needed Help

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”