The Spinster's Will

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $400,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $400,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $350,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $350,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $50,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never sleptwith a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $50,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." Thatevening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $50,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"

Dyslexic

Three Daughters Have Honeymoons at Home

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". 

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

 So on their honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it. 

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter, "Why were you screaming?" And the daughter replied, "Well Mother, you told me to scream when something hurt." 

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled."

 Then the mother said to the last daughter, "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth full."