The String Bikini

Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out whistles and stared their eyes out, but Bubba, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.

A few days later all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Bubba ran for his life.

So when the guys saw the girl for the third time --- this time she's stark naked --- the other two guys grabbed Bubba before he could get away.

Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, "Why are you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?"

Trembling, Bubba blurted out, "See, it's like this, my mom told me if I ever looked at a naked woman I'd turn into stone... and I felt something getting hard!"

                      

 

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What
is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's'. Then you try and stay on for eight seconds."

The City Girl and the Country Boys

A city girl was driving back to town after attending a family funeral when she ran out of gas. It was getting late so she asked two good ol' boys sitting on the stoop of a mobile home where she could get some gas.     “Well,” said one, “the fillin' station ain't open 'till tomorrie, but I reckon you kin stay the night with me & Billy-Bob here.”    She accepted, only to be told that there was only one bed, which both Billy-Bob & Billy-Ray slept in. Thinking it might be fun, she went ahead anyway. When all three of them were all tucked in, they were just about to jump her bones when she halted proceedings.  Pulling out two condoms, she said, “You nice boys wouldn't want me to get pregnant, would you? Here, put these on.”   They did. The three of them proceeded to have the time of their lives. In the morning the car got gassed up and our girl went back to the city.   Three months later, Billy-Bob and Billy-Ray were sitting on the stoop, chewin' on some RedMan.  “D'ya remember that city girl who stopped by here a while back?” asked Billy-Ray.   “Ah sure do,” said Billy-Bob, with a smirk.   “D'ya really care if she gets pregnant?”   “Nah,” said Billy-Bob.   “Well, lets get these STUPID things off of our dicks!”

The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.  The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.  The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

Bubba

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.  "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"  The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

The Incredible Swimmer

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

"But we don't know anything about each other!" she said.

"That's all right," he replied, "we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So, she consented and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

"That was incredible!" she said.

"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he said. "See, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about 50 she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Alabama and I worked both sides of the Tennessee River."

It Was Worth It

While she was driving fast to office, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? " he asked.

"They give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00 Court Costs - $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face – Priceless!

Wear Your Rubbers!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
 
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."   
 

Georgia Girls

Don't Hold Them Back

The Blacksmith

A blacksmith had hired a new assistant, and was asking him about his experience.

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off!"

Brazilian

Limerick

There once was a fellow called Marty
Who was worried his girlfriend seemed "tarty".
She'd had about twenty
Which wasn't too plenty,
But half were all at the same party.

The All-Knowing Mrs. Williams

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Jones. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Being in Dixie

It's all good and fine to be in Dixie,
Or to have your heart in Dixie;
but if you go north, at least you can have
your hooters in Dixie!

I Know a Place

Saving $1000

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said it was OK. So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed. The man said, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like.'

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The stranger handed him the rifle. The man looked for a second and said, 'YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!' This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit.

The hit man replied, 'It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger.'

The man said, '$1000, ouch! Well, OK. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies, 'Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks.'

You Need to Dial Zero

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Townsville and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now... Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 0 to dial a Number outside the Hotel."

Father of One of My Kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the stage while people showered us with whip cream?'

"No," says the woman, "I'm your son's teacher."

A Natural Heater

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold".

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.The warmth of my body will warm them up."He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs.The warmth of my body will warm it up."He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said,"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

God's Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

North Carolina Flares

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Best Butts

The Swollen Thingy

A man from Georgia went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."

"OK," the man says.

"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."

Assessing Her Virginity

Jim-Bob was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Jim-Bob asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her with the shovel.”

The Female Gorilla

The Auburn University vet school acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the administrators noticed Ed, a part-time student intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most Barners, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

The Attack by a Vicious Dog

Two boys are playing football in Big Springs Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.

  "Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in the Area was either for Bama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Hillbilly Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Windy Day

Is Participation in Bikini Contests Acceptable?

Please, I would like your thoughts on this.  I would not wear a micro bikini or a thong: everything that should be covered would be.

They have them down at Gulf Shores.

I know these are Maryland colors, but they are cute.

A Blonde Moment in Hat Shopping

A Sign in Alabama

Family Disgrace!

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your Assets; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand somewhere inappropriate; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Beach Volleyball

Preservation of Dignity

Dealing With Stoppage

Be Prepared!

Shopping in Alabama

The Bootlegger on the State Line

Franklin County in northern Alabama is dry: no sales of alcohol, even beer.  But there are bootleggers.

One of these free eterprise spirits had a large one with an incredible stock of beer.  He was on the Alabama-Mississippi state line in a large chicken coop.  And every time the Franklin County Sheriff and deputies would try to raid, they would simply transport the stock using a forklift into Mississippi.

They got away with that for years.  Finally, some bright deputy figured out that maybe they could coordinate raids with the sheriff from the adjacent Mississippi county.  Or maybe, unlike the others, he was not on the take.

The Pope and the Chief Rabbi

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals in accordance with tradition -- but, there is one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after a new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi of Rome seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

A new Pope's reign was shortly followed by a new Chief Rabbi. He was intrigued by this ritual and that its origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing.

When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, they faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, the Pope called him back.

"My brother," the Pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you. What is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugged and replied: "We have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of kosher wine together. Then with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover the secret at last." The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.

As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock ?

It was a bill for the Last Supper -- from "Moishe the Caterer."

WTF, Auburn!

Prayer to Relieve Constipation

It is verily written that if two or more are gathered to pray in HIS name, HE will hear your prayers.

Now while nicely attired in my Sunday best, and having politely listened to Brother Davis's sermon, he then made his usual request for things that we should pray about.

Members of the congregation offered some of the more standard requests:
a) For a safe return home from the mission trip;
b) For rain for the early crops;
c)  For relief from arthritis;
d) That her husband would stop drinking;
e)  For an Auburn victory;

One time a girl even requested that we pray that she have her period.  In each case, the congregation all pitched in and prayed en masse for her request to be answered.

But one crotchedly old lady gave one that was to relieve her constipation.  "Pray to the LORD that I can finally poop."

And bless everyone's heart, we all prayed for the old lady to have a good one!

Warily Confused

 

"Is my dress appropriate for going to church tomorrow, or should I wear a bra?

 

The only clean one in my drawer is polka-dotted.

 

And I'm a Baptist.

 

 

 

 

 

Back to Blogging - For Real

Okay, I made a feeble attempt at blogging two years ago; but I'm going to try and see if I have something to say.  In a lot of ways, it's intimidating to read what others have written.  If anyone is out there reading this, please let me know if I'm doing okay.

My name is Brandi.  And I've been told I'm a fine girl enough.  Don't stare at my chest when you say that.  It's so trite.

I live in Anniston, which is in the part of Alabama that's a little more boring than most.