The Golf Lesson

A woman was learning how to golf. She was teaching herself to play for more than three months but was really bad. So she decided to consult a golf pro.
 
When she saw the golf pro, she explained how bad she was and he told her to go ahead and hit the ball. She did. The ball went about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro said to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
 
When she asked what can be done to fix the situation, he suggested, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She did just that and the ball went the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
 
The golf pro said to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

Identifying the Body

Revis, a redneck from De Kalb County, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Jim-Bob and Bubba, were sent for.


Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.  He said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over.

Jim-Bob looked and said "Nope, it ain't Revis..

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Bubba in to identify the body.

Bubba took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked down and said,"No, it ain't Revis."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Bubba said, "Well, Revis had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.  Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Revis with them two assholes."

Is Yours Raisin?

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other Male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."