Friday, July 13, 2018

Odd Mississippi Laws

  • Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.
  • Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.
  • Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $201 fine. 
  • Columbus - The fine for waving a gun in public is higher than actually shooting it.
  • Oxford - It is illegal to drive around the town square more than 100 times in a single session.
  • One may not spit on the sidewalks on the square.
  • Motor vehicles on the square are prohibited.
  • Horn honking is not permitted as it might scare horses.
  • Tylertown - It is unlawful to shave in the center of main street. 

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Let It Grow!

Kind of out of season; but WTH!

Let it Grow!

(sung to the tune of "Let it Snow!")
Lyrics by S. M. Schmidt (with profound apologies to Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne)

Oh my newly bobbed hair is frightful
My long hair was so delightful
That stylist is now my foe
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

My tears are finally drying
Cut the damage due to dyeing
I'll let it turn white as snow
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

It doesn't show signs of stopping
My butt it will soon be topping
Only one more foot to go
Let It Grow! Let It Grow! Let It Grow!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Another Hotel Joke



A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Hotel Joke


A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

It's Time

A work colleague was smelling bad and someone asked:
– “Do you shower after sex?”
– “Yes”, he replied.
– “Then maybe it’s time that you have sex?”

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Lewis Grizzard Quote

"Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes."

Thursday, May 17, 2018

An Unexpected Choice


A Baptist was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Baptist if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely ravished by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Three Ministers

It was so sad. Three preachers of different denominations took a trip with their wives when their van was wiped out by a semi.

All were killed.

Well, it came time for the ministerial couples to go through them Pearly Gates and old Saint Peter was keeping the door.

First the Presbyterian minister and his wife go up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter says, "No you can't come in. You were obsessed with money. You didn't get much, but you married a woman named Penny." 

So they left.

Then the Methodist minister and his wife went up. Saint Peter said, "You can't come in. You were obsessed with alcohol and drinking. You didn't actually drink; but you weren't satisfied until you married a woman named Sherry."

So they left.

Then the Baptist minister said to his  wife, "Let's go, Fannie. I can see where this is going to go."

[Based on an old one told by Lewis Grizzard.]

Monday, May 7, 2018

Not So Best Friends

One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his dick. 

Since no one was around for miles Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick, Quick, I need your help. My friend got bit by a snake on his penis." 

The doctor told him, "Son you're gonna have to suck the venom out yourself." 
,
Bob asked, "Please, doctor, surely there has to be another way to get rid of the venom?" 

The doctor said. "Sorry, there's nothing we can do." 

So Bob went running to his friend and when he got there Jay said with pain, " So what did the doctor say?" 

Bob said," Doctor said your gonna die!" 

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Tennessee Volunteers

    Q: Why do the Tennessee Volunteers eat cereal straight from the box? 
     A: They choke whenever they get near a bowl. 

Monday, January 29, 2018

Cabin Fever

Bob had been in the software business for 30 years.

Finally sick of the stress he retires from his job and buys
50 acres of land in the Yukon as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's John, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. 
About 5:00."

"Great", says Bob, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."

As John is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Bob.. "After 30 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Bob, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Panty Jokes

Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm. 

Why do women wear underwear? Because workplace health and safety states 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'! 

How did the redneck mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? Yellow in the front, Brown in the back! 

Why don't racehorses wear underwear? Because it rides up on them! 

Why did Donald Trump do a press conference in his underwear? He wanted to give a news briefing. 

Why don't witches wear underwear when riding their broomsticks? So they can get a better grip! 

What do you call a collection of old underwear? A brief history. 

What do you call a stripper with her hand down her panties? Self Employed! 

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Thoughts About Bras

1.  I  wonder if dying is like taking off your bra, but only better.

2.  Home is where the bra isn't.

3.  The problem with having lunch with your grandma is that you have to wear a bra on those occasions.

4.  Somehow, taking off your bra gives a spiritual lift even though you wonder about droopage.

5.  If your cup is only half full, then you probably need a smaller-sized bra.

6.  You love your soft, sexy red bra but realize it would show through your sweater.

7.  The nice stage of a relationship with a guy is when you don't have to wear a bra when you go out with him.

8.  Cast-off bras occasionally wind up being decorative accents when you're single.

9.  You can wear the same bra all week if you dare.

10.  Whoever thought up breast petals should be canonized  a saint. 

Sunday, January 14, 2018

You Know You're From Georgia if . . .

1.  You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Smyrna, Buena Vista, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and LaFayette.  Atlanta = ADD-LANNA, not AT-LANT-A.

 2.  You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3.  A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

4.  You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5.  Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.

6.  You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.

 7.  You think everyone from a Yankee state has an accent.

 8.  You measure distance in minutes.

9.  You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10.  You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11.  You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12.  Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

13.  You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

 14.  Almost everyone you know is either Baptist or Methodist.

15.  A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol.  A Chevy Silverado Crew Cab with extended bed is.

16.  You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

 17.  You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18.  Ironically, you only crave Chick-Fil-A and alcohol on Sundays . . when neither is sold.

 19.  On one side of the road there’s Wal-Mart and on the other is a cotton field.

 20.  The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”

21.  Fried chicken is a major part of your diet

22.  Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the only kind of doughnuts you eat.

23..  You call it a cold Christmas if you don’t break out in a sweat in your new sweater.

 24.  When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn’t stick.  The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every ten minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water, toilet paper, and adult drinks.

 25.  People actually grow, eat, and like okra!

 26.  You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.

27.  Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

 28.  Panama City Beach, Florida, is a big deal.

 29.  You understand that at least once a year your car will turn yellow with pollen.

 30.  You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo.

31.  You say “tuna fish sandwich.”

32.  You use “Sir” and “Ma’am” if there’s a remote possibility that the person you’re talking to is least 30 minutes older than you are.

 33.  Braves=good.  Yankees=bad.

 34.  You love sweet tea, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and all Southern comfort food . . . and Southern comfort.

35.  You know the whole peach state thing only applies to those below the fall line.

36.  You have a flip-flop tan year-round

37.  You use “The Big  Chicken” as a basis for all directions.

38.  You get dressed extra nice TWICE a week . . . once on Sunday morning for church, and once on Friday night for the football game.

Friday, January 12, 2018

The Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. 

The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” 

So he goes back to play. 

Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!” 

The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Economic Stimulus Plan

2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.