Thursday, August 28, 2014

A Gift from God

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
 
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."   

Sunday, August 17, 2014

It Feels Great!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."