You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen., But do you recall? The most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names; They never let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Then Rudolph was all like, "Fuck you Santa, go to Hell! You guys were dicks to me my whole life, why the fuck would I help you now that my supposed "disability" is useful to you? I don't need your approval, that's not what I need to be happy! Also, I'm moving away to get a better job, and also I fucked Mrs Claus."
ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Friday, December 26, 2014
The Economy Is So Bad ...........
The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-rejected credit card application.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-rejected credit card application.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Sex and the Single Anniston Baptist Girl
In general, a proper hard shell Baptist girl will not allow a kiss on the first date. That's something reserved for date number 4, if he's that persistent. However, by date number 6, a quick hand job before the Sunday evening service would get him relaxed and not too boisterous if it runs too late.
A good Baptist girl always wears a brassiere, whether she needs one or not.
And a prepared Baptist girl always sees that her guy wears his rubbers when it rains.
A good Baptist girl always wears a brassiere, whether she needs one or not.
And a prepared Baptist girl always sees that her guy wears his rubbers when it rains.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Never Felt Better!
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,
"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied,
"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"
"I said, I never felt better in my life."
"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied,
"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"
"I said, I never felt better in my life."
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Some Sentiments Expressed Best
Dear Facebook, Just Wait, One Day They All Will Leave You Too! Sincerely, Orkut
Dear Optimist, That's Not A Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But A Train! Sincerely, Pessimist
Dear Icebergs, Sorry To Hear About Global Warming. Sincerely, Titanic
Dear Yahoo, I've Never Heard Anyone Say, "I Don't Know, Let's Yahoo It!" Sincerely, Google
Dear Optimist, That's Not A Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But A Train! Sincerely, Pessimist
Dear Icebergs, Sorry To Hear About Global Warming. Sincerely, Titanic
Dear Yahoo, I've Never Heard Anyone Say, "I Don't Know, Let's Yahoo It!" Sincerely, Google
A Mathematical Solution to Extinguishing Fires
An Engineering, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are staying in a hotel.
In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.
Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.
The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.
In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.
Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.
The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Seven Kinds of Sex
Results of a recent research show that there are seven kinds of sex.
The first kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The fifth kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least: The seventh kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
The first kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."
The fifth kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)
The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And, last, but not least: The seventh kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
Monday, October 27, 2014
The Aspiring Psychiatrists
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student.
And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
Thursday, October 9, 2014
A Professor Explains Marketing Concepts
Professor at a business school explaining marketing concepts to Students
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! "Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"
4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations
5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! "Can you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback"
7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"
Monday, September 29, 2014
An Absent-Minded Professor
An absent-minded professor was moving to a new house further along the same street. His wife knew that he was prone to forgetting things and so she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper he went off to college. She handed him the paper and the key to the new house and reminded him not to go back the old address.
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
"Sure, dad," said the boy.
That morning, one of his student asked him a complex question and the professor wrote the answer down on the back of the slip of paper. This student asked whether he could keep the paper.
Forgetting what was on the other side, the professor said, "Certainly."
In the evening, he returned out of habit to the old house, tried the key and could not get in. Realizing his mistake, he search in his pockets for the slip of paper with the new address, but off course there was no sign of it. So he wandered along the street and the stop the first personable-looking lad whom he saw.
"Excuse me, I'm professor Galbraith. You would not happen to know where I live, would you?"
"Sure, dad," said the boy.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Stand Aside, My Dear Friend!
A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
What's a Twelve-Pack For?
Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
The Income Tax Woman
A dad walked into a market with his young son. The kid was holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy started choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realized the boy has swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a table in the coffee shop reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made way, unhurried, to the boy.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully took hold of the boy's balls and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
Suddenly, the boy started choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realized the boy has swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a table in the coffee shop reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made way, unhurried, to the boy.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully took hold of the boy's balls and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
Monday, September 1, 2014
The Old Woman Needed Help
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
Thursday, August 28, 2014
A Gift from God
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen."
Sunday, August 17, 2014
It Feels Great!
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Redneck Haiku
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.
Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.
In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.
Unemployment's out,.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.
Distant siren screams.
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.
Flashlights pierce darkness.
No nightcrawlers to be found.
Guess we'll gig some frogs.
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.
Seeking solitude,
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.
Set the VCR:
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.
White noise, buzzing static.
Call Earl. Satellite dish
needs new descrambler.
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.
In early morning mist,
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.
Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.
A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.
In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.
Unemployment's out,.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.
Distant siren screams.
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.
Flashlights pierce darkness.
No nightcrawlers to be found.
Guess we'll gig some frogs.
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.
Seeking solitude,
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.
Set the VCR:
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.
White noise, buzzing static.
Call Earl. Satellite dish
needs new descrambler.
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.
In early morning mist,
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
The Eulogy
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'
Friday, June 20, 2014
Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride - 1894
I think this was written to be humorous, but I'm not sure.....
===================================================
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
===================================================
The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State
for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year
of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press
New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing
a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the
negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride
must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the
terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would
be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for
the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child
bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual
contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for
the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just
as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and
if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most
revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the
normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering
their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These
should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning
the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If
he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that
nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his
desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and
never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their
sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after
the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace
in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged
to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute
===================================================
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
===================================================
The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State
for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year
of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press
New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing
a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the
negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride
must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the
terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would
be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for
the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child
bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual
contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for
the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just
as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as
possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and
degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and
if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most
revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the
normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering
their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These
should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning
the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If
he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that
nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his
desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and
never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their
sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after
the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace
in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged
to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Cats and Dogs
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
How Did He Do?
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Wedding Night
A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
"Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
"Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
"I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
"Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"
"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
"Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"
"I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Democrats
When a Yellow Dog Democrat (straight voting Democrat) mates with a Blue Dog Democrat (conservative Democrat), will their offspring Green Dog Democrats (Environmentalist Democrats)?
Friday, May 2, 2014
Love, Lust, and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Children's Logic
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”
Monday, April 21, 2014
No Bell Piece Prize
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
If Your Dog Will Vouch for You
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well- groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've
never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well- groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've
never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Taking My Bra to School
One day, I came home from school, took off my bra and laid it down in my chair so it could get washed, and laid my backpack in the same chair.
Well, the next day I woke up to go to school as usual and I got out of the shower, got dressed and everything, and it was about time for the bus to get there so I grabbed my backpack and put it on my back and as I walked I kept on feeling something hitting the back of my legs.
Well, I didn't check it out and walked on.
I got on my bus and I felt my back and noticed that the bra I laid down had attached to the holes in my backpack. The bus was half full, and most of them saw me trailing my bra behind me.
It was pink, with red polka dots!
Well, the next day I woke up to go to school as usual and I got out of the shower, got dressed and everything, and it was about time for the bus to get there so I grabbed my backpack and put it on my back and as I walked I kept on feeling something hitting the back of my legs.
Well, I didn't check it out and walked on.
I got on my bus and I felt my back and noticed that the bra I laid down had attached to the holes in my backpack. The bus was half full, and most of them saw me trailing my bra behind me.
It was pink, with red polka dots!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Adsvice from a Guru
02
Dec
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important.)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Tampax for Boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
A Lesson on How to Live a Fuller Life
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
Monday, March 10, 2014
A Tall Coconut Tree
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals..... A lion, A chimp, a giraffe, and a squirrel.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is: lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're dense. Giraffe = you're a complete moron. Squirrel = you're hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax Have two glasses of wine. A full box of Chocolates. And a nice lunch. Now hurry up and forward it to someone else. They may need those glasses of wine.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds.
Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is: lion = you're dull. Chimpanzee = you're dense. Giraffe = you're a complete moron. Squirrel = you're hopeless.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax Have two glasses of wine. A full box of Chocolates. And a nice lunch. Now hurry up and forward it to someone else. They may need those glasses of wine.
Monday, March 3, 2014
TheCardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
A Real Surprise Birthday Party!
This one was on everyone!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my boyfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to him that he would give me a piggyback ride to the phone to keep the fun going. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'
My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My boyfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment and nudity for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
My parents took it all in stride. They suspected that we might have been "doing it." After all, that is the Anniston, Alabama way. Probably it gave the aunts fodder for gossip for months!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my boyfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to him that he would give me a piggyback ride to the phone to keep the fun going. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!'
My entire family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends were standing there! My boyfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment and nudity for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
My parents took it all in stride. They suspected that we might have been "doing it." After all, that is the Anniston, Alabama way. Probably it gave the aunts fodder for gossip for months!
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Taco Bell
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University's response was "Why do we need another phone company?"
Friday, February 14, 2014
Not How to Be a Valentine
On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young
woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Widdle Wabbits
A precious little girl walked into a pet shop and asked with a lisp, “Excuthe me, Mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
The Shopkeeper’s heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked, “Do you want a widdle white Wabbit or thoft bwack one?”
The little girl replied, “I don’t ’think my python gives a thit.”
The Shopkeeper’s heart melted, and he knelt down beside her and asked, “Do you want a widdle white Wabbit or thoft bwack one?”
The little girl replied, “I don’t ’think my python gives a thit.”
Friday, January 31, 2014
The Golf Lesson
A woman was learning how to golf. She was teaching herself to play for more than three months but was really bad. So she decided to consult a golf pro.
When she saw the golf pro, she explained how bad she was and he told her to go ahead and hit the ball. She did. The ball went about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro said to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asked what can be done to fix the situation, he suggested, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She did just that and the ball went the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro said to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
When she saw the golf pro, she explained how bad she was and he told her to go ahead and hit the ball. She did. The ball went about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro said to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asked what can be done to fix the situation, he suggested, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She did just that and the ball went the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro said to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Identifying the Body
Revis, a redneck from De Kalb County, died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Jim-Bob and Bubba, were sent for.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. He said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over.
Jim-Bob looked and said "Nope, it ain't Revis..
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Bubba in to identify the body.
Bubba took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked down and said,"No, it ain't Revis."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Bubba said, "Well, Revis had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Revis with them two assholes."
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. He said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over.
Jim-Bob looked and said "Nope, it ain't Revis..
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Bubba in to identify the body.
Bubba took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Bubba looked down and said,"No, it ain't Revis."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Bubba said, "Well, Revis had two assholes."
"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Revis with them two assholes."
Monday, January 27, 2014
Is Yours Raisin?
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other Male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other Male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
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