Redneck Haiku

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.
       
Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.


A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.


In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.


Unemployment's out,.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.


Distant siren screams.
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.


Flashlights pierce darkness.
No nightcrawlers to be found.
Guess we'll gig some frogs.


Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.


Seeking solitude,
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.


Set the VCR:
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.


White noise, buzzing static.
Call Earl. Satellite dish
needs new descrambler.


Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.


In early morning mist,
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.

The Eulogy

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'