What Is Democracy?

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Hipster Jokes

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.


Q: Who was the First Hipster?
A: You've probably never heard of him.


Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!

Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.

Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.

Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because it's underground.

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.


Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!

Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork

Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool.

If a hipster does something, but doesn't instagram it, did it really happen?

Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.

I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

A Tip for Making a Horse Work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. 

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Guess Who's the Fiancee

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."