What's a Twelve-Pack For?

Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.

“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “

The Income Tax Woman

A dad walked into a market with his young son. The kid was holding a quarter.
 
Suddenly, the boy started choking and gasping for breath.
  
The dad realized the boy has swallowed the coin and started panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at a table in the coffee shop reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of  coffee.
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made way, unhurried, to the boy.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully took hold of the boy's balls and started to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the coin, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"   
     
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

The Old Woman Needed Help

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”

A Gift from God

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
 
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
 
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
 
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."   

It Feels Great!

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Redneck Haiku

Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin.
       
Naked in repose,
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps.


A painful sadness.
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door.


In WalMart toy aisle,
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll.
Mama whups his ass.


Unemployment's out,.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability.


Distant siren screams.
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again.


Flashlights pierce darkness.
No nightcrawlers to be found.
Guess we'll gig some frogs.


Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil.


Seeking solitude,
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order.


Set the VCR:
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock.


White noise, buzzing static.
Call Earl. Satellite dish
needs new descrambler.


Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino.


In early morning mist,
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man.

The Eulogy

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'