Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
The Train Hunter
Three dummies decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.”
So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”
So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!”
So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”
So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!”
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Bubba Wanted to Get Married
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart.
So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.
"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.
"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
Friday, July 17, 2015
Johnny and Self-Hypnosis
Johnny's wife arrives home from town and says to him, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches."
"What happened ?" asked Johnny.
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache'. It worked ! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that IS wonderful," Johnny says.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom yourself these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"
Johnny agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, Johnny comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move I'll be right back."
Johnny then goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Johnny, that was wonderful !"
Johnny says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
His wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Johnny again says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees Johnny standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife", " She's not my wife", "She's not my wife !"
"What happened ?" asked Johnny.
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache'. It worked ! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that IS wonderful," Johnny says.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom yourself these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"
Johnny agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, Johnny comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move I'll be right back."
Johnny then goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Johnny, that was wonderful !"
Johnny says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
His wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Johnny again says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees Johnny standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife", " She's not my wife", "She's not my wife !"
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
The Swallowed Ball
While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?"
The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."
The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.
"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?"
The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
The True Mother-in-law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Sunday, May 31, 2015
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