ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Monday, January 29, 2018
Cabin Fever
Bob had been in the software business for 30 years.
Finally sick of the stress he retires from his job and buys
50 acres of land in the Yukon as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's John, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."
"Great", says Bob, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As John is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Bob.. "After 30 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Bob, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."
Finally sick of the stress he retires from his job and buys
50 acres of land in the Yukon as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's John, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."
"Great", says Bob, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As John is leaving, he stops.
"Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Bob.. "After 30 years in the business,
I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right. I'll be there.
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Bob, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter ... Just gonna be the two of us."
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Panty Jokes
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
Why do women wear underwear? Because workplace health and safety states 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'!
How did the redneck mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Why don't racehorses wear underwear? Because it rides up on them!
Why did Donald Trump do a press conference in his underwear? He wanted to give a news briefing.
Why don't witches wear underwear when riding their broomsticks? So they can get a better grip!
What do you call a collection of old underwear? A brief history.
What do you call a stripper with her hand down her panties? Self Employed!
Why do women wear underwear? Because workplace health and safety states 'all manholes must be covered when not in use'!
How did the redneck mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Why don't racehorses wear underwear? Because it rides up on them!
Why did Donald Trump do a press conference in his underwear? He wanted to give a news briefing.
Why don't witches wear underwear when riding their broomsticks? So they can get a better grip!
What do you call a collection of old underwear? A brief history.
What do you call a stripper with her hand down her panties? Self Employed!
Monday, January 22, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Thoughts About Bras
1. I wonder if dying is like taking off your bra, but only better.
2. Home is where the bra isn't.
3. The problem with having lunch with your grandma is that you have to wear a bra on those occasions.
4. Somehow, taking off your bra gives a spiritual lift even though you wonder about droopage.
5. If your cup is only half full, then you probably need a smaller-sized bra.
6. You love your soft, sexy red bra but realize it would show through your sweater.
7. The nice stage of a relationship with a guy is when you don't have to wear a bra when you go out with him.
8. Cast-off bras occasionally wind up being decorative accents when you're single.
9. You can wear the same bra all week if you dare.
10. Whoever thought up breast petals should be canonized a saint.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
You Know You're From Georgia if . . .
1. You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Smyrna, Buena Vista, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and LaFayette. Atlanta = ADD-LANNA, not AT-LANT-A.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.
6. You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.
7. You think everyone from a Yankee state has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. Almost everyone you know is either Baptist or Methodist.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Crew Cab with extended bed is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. Ironically, you only crave Chick-Fil-A and alcohol on Sundays . . when neither is sold.
19. On one side of the road there’s Wal-Mart and on the other is a cotton field.
20. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
21. Fried chicken is a major part of your diet
22. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the only kind of doughnuts you eat.
23.. You call it a cold Christmas if you don’t break out in a sweat in your new sweater.
24. When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn’t stick. The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every ten minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water, toilet paper, and adult drinks.
25. People actually grow, eat, and like okra!
26. You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.
27. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
28. Panama City Beach, Florida, is a big deal.
29. You understand that at least once a year your car will turn yellow with pollen.
30. You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo.
31. You say “tuna fish sandwich.”
32. You use “Sir” and “Ma’am” if there’s a remote possibility that the person you’re talking to is least 30 minutes older than you are.
33. Braves=good. Yankees=bad.
34. You love sweet tea, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and all Southern comfort food . . . and Southern comfort.
35. You know the whole peach state thing only applies to those below the fall line.
36. You have a flip-flop tan year-round
37. You use “The Big Chicken” as a basis for all directions.
38. You get dressed extra nice TWICE a week . . . once on Sunday morning for church, and once on Friday night for the football game.
2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.
5. Stores don’t have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies.
6. You’ve seen people wear bib overalls at weddings and funerals.
7. You think everyone from a Yankee state has an accent.
8. You measure distance in minutes.
9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.
10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.
11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
13. You know someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist.
14. Almost everyone you know is either Baptist or Methodist.
15. A Mercedes Benz isn’t a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Crew Cab with extended bed is.
16. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
18. Ironically, you only crave Chick-Fil-A and alcohol on Sundays . . when neither is sold.
19. On one side of the road there’s Wal-Mart and on the other is a cotton field.
20. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
21. Fried chicken is a major part of your diet
22. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are the only kind of doughnuts you eat.
23.. You call it a cold Christmas if you don’t break out in a sweat in your new sweater.
24. When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn’t stick. The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every ten minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water, toilet paper, and adult drinks.
25. People actually grow, eat, and like okra!
26. You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.
27. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
28. Panama City Beach, Florida, is a big deal.
29. You understand that at least once a year your car will turn yellow with pollen.
30. You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo.
31. You say “tuna fish sandwich.”
32. You use “Sir” and “Ma’am” if there’s a remote possibility that the person you’re talking to is least 30 minutes older than you are.
33. Braves=good. Yankees=bad.
34. You love sweet tea, mashed potatoes, biscuits, and all Southern comfort food . . . and Southern comfort.
35. You know the whole peach state thing only applies to those below the fall line.
36. You have a flip-flop tan year-round
37. You use “The Big Chicken” as a basis for all directions.
38. You get dressed extra nice TWICE a week . . . once on Sunday morning for church, and once on Friday night for the football game.
Friday, January 12, 2018
The Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Economic Stimulus Plan
2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
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