Hipster Jokes

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.


Q: Who was the First Hipster?
A: You've probably never heard of him.


Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!

Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.

Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.

Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because it's underground.

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.


Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!

Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork

Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool.

If a hipster does something, but doesn't instagram it, did it really happen?

Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.

I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

A Tip for Making a Horse Work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. 

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Guess Who's the Fiancee

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

Rudolph the High Self-Esteem Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen., But do you recall? The most famous reindeer of all?


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names; They never let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games.


Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?


Then Rudolph was all like, "Fuck you Santa, go to Hell! You guys were dicks to me my whole life, why the fuck would I help you now that my supposed "disability" is useful to you? I don't need your approval, that's not what I need to be happy! Also, I'm moving away to get a better job, and also I fucked Mrs Claus."

The Economy Is So Bad ...........

The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-rejected credit card application.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Sex and the Single Anniston Baptist Girl

In general, a proper hard shell Baptist girl will not allow a kiss on the first date.  That's something reserved for date number 4, if he's that persistent.  However, by date number 6, a quick hand job before the Sunday evening service would get him relaxed and not too boisterous if it runs too late.


A good Baptist girl always wears a brassiere, whether she needs one or not.


And a prepared Baptist girl always sees that her guy wears his rubbers when it rains.

Never Felt Better!

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,

"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied,

"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"

"I said, I never felt better in my life."