Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says…”Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.”
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”
The mom says…”the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says…”Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Economic Stimulus Plan
2. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Friday, December 8, 2017
Divorced Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
A Howl from the Woods
Alabama's very much in the news lately; and often not in a good way. Part of it is because of the hijinks of former Governor Bentley and because of Tuesday's Special Senate Election between Roy Moore and Doug Jones. Anyway, lots of people have these notions about Alabama, but these come from God knows where. The media, maybe, when they choose to write about Alabama. Which isn't often. And when they do, they make fun of it and us! And I'm damned sick and tired of it!
As a matter of fact, many people from the East and Far West know about as much about Alabama as they do about Siberia!
Hopefully, they can figure out that, while it snows here now and then, it's not a big thing in our lives.
And while most of us go to church, we take our preachers with a grain of salt. Sorry? Is that news to you? After church, we head to get dinner out and maybe a trip to Lowe's.
And most of us are not racists. Probably no more likely than Midwesterners or Bostonians.
And, yes, football is big. So is hanging around malls. Frankly, life in Anniston or Gadsden can be dull at times; but we make do.
For excitement, it's not a bad drive to Atlanta or Birmingham. And some like going to NASCAR races at Talledega. I don't; but I figure people are entitled to their fun.
Life is good here. Most people are nice. I'm working class. I went to community college. And may finish a 4-year program.
How am I going to vote next Tuesday? I am not sure. Roy Moore is a bit off the rails and is a sleaze. But Doug Jones is suspect too. As is the whole Democratic Party. But, you know . . . . nobody out of Alabama would be giving a damn about how we would vote except for the fact that the two political parties are so closely matched in numbers in the Senate.
So, piss off, Washington Post! You're telling me how to vote to benefit Washington! But you don't know or care jack shit about Alabama!
No, we're just little people to be played like suckers.
I'm just like the girl in the cartoon at the top of the page. Wide-eyed, nice breasts, but not entirely clueless. I'm not stupid. Do me the courtesy of at least pretending that I have a right to an opinion.
My guess is that I might vote for Jones; but discard him next time around as soon as possible like used snot paper.
But it's too much to hope that both candidates would quit the race; and we could get a replay.
Both parties are crass and self-serving. And, to quote a long-dead ex-governor, there's not a dime's worth of difference between the two.
As a matter of fact, many people from the East and Far West know about as much about Alabama as they do about Siberia!
Hopefully, they can figure out that, while it snows here now and then, it's not a big thing in our lives.
And while most of us go to church, we take our preachers with a grain of salt. Sorry? Is that news to you? After church, we head to get dinner out and maybe a trip to Lowe's.
And most of us are not racists. Probably no more likely than Midwesterners or Bostonians.
And, yes, football is big. So is hanging around malls. Frankly, life in Anniston or Gadsden can be dull at times; but we make do.
For excitement, it's not a bad drive to Atlanta or Birmingham. And some like going to NASCAR races at Talledega. I don't; but I figure people are entitled to their fun.
Life is good here. Most people are nice. I'm working class. I went to community college. And may finish a 4-year program.
How am I going to vote next Tuesday? I am not sure. Roy Moore is a bit off the rails and is a sleaze. But Doug Jones is suspect too. As is the whole Democratic Party. But, you know . . . . nobody out of Alabama would be giving a damn about how we would vote except for the fact that the two political parties are so closely matched in numbers in the Senate.
So, piss off, Washington Post! You're telling me how to vote to benefit Washington! But you don't know or care jack shit about Alabama!
No, we're just little people to be played like suckers.
I'm just like the girl in the cartoon at the top of the page. Wide-eyed, nice breasts, but not entirely clueless. I'm not stupid. Do me the courtesy of at least pretending that I have a right to an opinion.
My guess is that I might vote for Jones; but discard him next time around as soon as possible like used snot paper.
But it's too much to hope that both candidates would quit the race; and we could get a replay.
Both parties are crass and self-serving. And, to quote a long-dead ex-governor, there's not a dime's worth of difference between the two.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Jokes About Cats
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning herself?
A. She's smoking a cigarette.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: a meowntain
Q: When is a lion not a lion?
A: When he turns into his cage!
Q: Why don't cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.
Q: Why are cats so good at video games?
A: Because they have nine lives!
Q: What do you call a flying cat?
A: I'm-paws-sible.
Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!
Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.
Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!
A. She's smoking a cigarette.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
A: A terrified postman!
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens?
A: a meowntain
Q: When is a lion not a lion?
A: When he turns into his cage!
Q: Why don't cats like online shopping?
A: They prefer a cat-alogue.
Q: Why are cats so good at video games?
A: Because they have nine lives!
Q: What do you call a flying cat?
A: I'm-paws-sible.
Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
A: I'm paw!
Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had a litter of mittens.
Q: What do you call a lion who has eaten your mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater!
Monday, July 31, 2017
The Ladder to Success
This one's a little coarse, so be warned:
A man is walking along when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.
He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.
“Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she says.
No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.
“Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she says.
“Well,” thinks the man, “might as well keep going.”
On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.
“Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted.
As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. “Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she begs.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who the hell are you?” the man asked.
“Hey cutie,” said the ugly fat man, “my name is Cess!”
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