A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always is, to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
ALABAMA HUMOR Random, no holds barred irreverence from an Anniston girl.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
North Carolina Flares
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
The Swollen Thingy
A man from Georgia went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."
"OK," the man says.
"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again."
"OK," the man says.
"Now," the doctor says, getting down to business. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the guy says, "it's swollen...."
Friday, May 31, 2013
Assessing Her Virginity
Jim-Bob was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Jim-Bob asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her with the shovel.”
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Jim-Bob asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her with the shovel.”
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
The Female Gorilla
The Auburn University vet school acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within
a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The
gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the administrators noticed Ed, a part-time student intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most Barners, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the administrators noticed Ed, a part-time student intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most Barners, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Monday, May 20, 2013
The Attack by a Vicious Dog
Two boys are playing football in Big Springs Park when one is attacked by a
rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of a nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in the Area was either for Bama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Hillbilly Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Auburn fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in the Area was either for Bama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Hillbilly Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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