Rudolph the High Self-Esteem Reindeer

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen., But do you recall? The most famous reindeer of all?


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names; They never let poor Rudolph Join in any reindeer games.


Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, Rudolph with your nose so bright, Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?


Then Rudolph was all like, "Fuck you Santa, go to Hell! You guys were dicks to me my whole life, why the fuck would I help you now that my supposed "disability" is useful to you? I don't need your approval, that's not what I need to be happy! Also, I'm moving away to get a better job, and also I fucked Mrs Claus."

The Economy Is So Bad ...........

The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-rejected credit card application.
The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Sex and the Single Anniston Baptist Girl

In general, a proper hard shell Baptist girl will not allow a kiss on the first date.  That's something reserved for date number 4, if he's that persistent.  However, by date number 6, a quick hand job before the Sunday evening service would get him relaxed and not too boisterous if it runs too late.


A good Baptist girl always wears a brassiere, whether she needs one or not.


And a prepared Baptist girl always sees that her guy wears his rubbers when it rains.

Never Felt Better!

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,

"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied,

"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"

"I said, I never felt better in my life."

Some Sentiments Expressed Best

Dear Facebook, Just Wait, One Day They All Will Leave You Too! Sincerely, Orkut


Dear Optimist, That's Not A Light At The End Of The Tunnel, But A Train! Sincerely, Pessimist


Dear Icebergs, Sorry To Hear About Global Warming. Sincerely, Titanic


 Dear Yahoo, I've Never Heard Anyone Say, "I Don't Know, Let's Yahoo It!" Sincerely, Google

A Mathematical Solution to Extinguishing Fires

An Engineering, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are staying in a hotel.

In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.

Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.

The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.

Seven Kinds of Sex

Results of a recent research show that there are seven kinds of sex.

The first kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The third kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
 
The fourth kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."


 The fifth kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.. (Very Popular)


 The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


 And, last, but not least: The seventh kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.