Epitaph

One day this kid and his mom were walking past a cemetery when they passed a grave and the kid stopped to read it.

He read aloud, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

The kid then Says "Mom, I don't get it."
\
The mom says, "Why not?"

The kid says, why are there two people buried here?"

The Worrisome Bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

The Whole Truth

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

How to Make a Horse Work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

More Sex Q & A's

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

Q: What's the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don't

Q: What do you call mobile porn?
A: Flash Drive

Q: Why are pubic hairs so curly?
A: So they don't poke out your eyes.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Some Sex Q & A's

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is oral sex with an ugly person like rock climbing?
A: You don't want to look down.

  Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching.

  Q: What's the difference between a babies and musician groupies?
A: The babies suck fingers.

Q: How do mermaids reproduce?
A: Seamen.

Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!

Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Did you hear about the man who was arrested for having sex with a horse?
A: In his defence he claimed it was a stable relationship.

Two Hours of Great Sex

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Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

The Kid and the Priest

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

A Case of Gonorrhea

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

The Train Hunter

Three dummies decide to go hunting. The first one says he’s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck.”

So the second hunter says that he’s going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe.”

So the third hunter says, “I’m just gonna shoot at anything I see.”

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, “I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!”

Bubba Wanted to Get Married

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart.

So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

Johnny and Self-Hypnosis

Johnny's wife arrives home from town and says to him, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone. No more headaches."

"What happened ?" asked Johnny.

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache', 'I do not have a headache'. It worked ! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that IS wonderful," Johnny says.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom yourself these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that ?"

Johnny agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, Johnny comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move I'll be right back."
Johnny then goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Johnny, that was wonderful !"

Johnny says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
His wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Johnny again says, "Don't move - I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees Johnny standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife", " She's not my wife", "She's not my wife !"

The Swallowed Ball

While the barber is lathering the man up for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you will have a close shave on that side."

The man does this, and the barber shaves the right side of his face.

"Wow," exclaims the man, "that is great!" He puts the ball on the left side of his mouth, and with muffled voice asks, "Wht happons if I akkidentally swawo du bawll?"

The barber says, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else.

The True Mother-in-law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

The Little Mermaid

Notes from Alabama

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spelling errors have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. Shehad diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Marya nn was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Buried Upside Down

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said…”let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.”

Driving a Hybrid

"Driving a hybrid is like dating a fat girl," he says. "You don't ever want to admit to your friends that you're doing it, but eventually they're going to catch you."
Jason Steinhalter, Alabama comedian

The Peckerwood Hunters from Down State

A group of peckerwoods from down state went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering  under the weight of an eight-point buck.

 Where's Henry?" the others asked.


 "Henry had a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

 "You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?" they  inquired."

 A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

Fast Mathematics Answer

The owner of a golf course 'bout near Fort Payne was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama at Huntsville and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,  minus 14%, how much would you take off?"


The secretary thought a moment,  then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Problems With Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it is no longer available.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Thank you and have a great day.

Cold Winter

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

What Is Democracy?

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Hipster Jokes

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You wouldn’t know, it’s kind of an obscure number

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.


Q: Who was the First Hipster?
A: You've probably never heard of him.


Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!

Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave?
A: They don’t like conventional ovens.

Q: How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
A: One, any more and it would be too mainstream.

Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because it's underground.

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don’t know, but there’s probably a hipster close by.


Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!

Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork

Dear Hipster, Jesus loved you before you were cool.

If a hipster does something, but doesn't instagram it, did it really happen?

Dear Hipster, no matter how cool you think you're making it look...It's still alcoholism

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.

I farted in a room of hipsters and I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

A Tip for Making a Horse Work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. 

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.

 Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

Guess Who's the Fiancee

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry".

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."