Happy New Year

Epitaph

One day this kid and his mom were walking past a cemetery when they passed a grave and the kid stopped to read it.

He read aloud, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

The kid then Says "Mom, I don't get it."
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The mom says, "Why not?"

The kid says, why are there two people buried here?"

The Worrisome Bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina.

After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

The Whole Truth

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

How to Make a Horse Work

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

More Sex Q & A's

Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...?
A: "Is it in?"

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!

Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

Q: What's the difference between you and eggs?
A: Eggs get laid and you don't

Q: What do you call mobile porn?
A: Flash Drive

Q: Why are pubic hairs so curly?
A: So they don't poke out your eyes.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"

Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: She's the one with the dirty knees.

Have you noticed that more and more women are having their navel's pierced?
That's because its a handy place to hang the air freshener.

What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken.

Some Sex Q & A's

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is oral sex with an ugly person like rock climbing?
A: You don't want to look down.

  Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: Whats 72?
A: 69 with three people watching.

  Q: What's the difference between a babies and musician groupies?
A: The babies suck fingers.

Q: How do mermaids reproduce?
A: Seamen.

Q: Why is fresh air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Q: Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?
A: So they can piss & moan at ths same time!

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick!

Q: How is sex like air?
A: It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Did you hear about the man who was arrested for having sex with a horse?
A: In his defence he claimed it was a stable relationship.